You is Kind, You is Beautiful..

Something about reinventing yourself is intriguing, to say the least. We like to think of ourselves as a finished product, but in truth we are a constantly evolving project, always in motion. It's always important to love yourself, but at times even those most comfortable with themselves find it difficult. Whether it be body image, gender-identification issues, or so on and so forth, the struggle is something we can all empathize with. I, like so many of us, know what it's like to look in the mirror and hate what I see. But I took it upon myself to change that, so I changed myself. I changed, and grew until I could love what I saw. Confidence isn't easy, there are days when I just can't bring myself to smile at my reflection, but an off day isn't a defeat. My past experiences with depression taught me the difference between a temporary stumble, and a defeat. My philosophy is that if you're breathing, you're doing just fine. You can get back up and try again.  No matter what you're struggling with, be it addiction, depression, anxiety, etc.  I know you'll be just fine.

Here I am, 6 years later, 45 pounds lighter physically and emotionally, with all the confidence and makeup I could ask for. Let me tell you a story.
6 years ago, in 2008, I began to have the symptoms of depression. You all know the story, I had just lost a loved one, my mom and dad were getting ill all the time, my sister and I were alone a lot, blah blah blah, here's a tissue. At the time my mom kept talking to me about the whole 'coming of age' thing, which since I was little(er) I never really understood.. I felt as if femininity was being forced upon me, I had absolutely no interest in whatever my mother had to say. As time went on, I became more and more resistant to my mother's way of thinking about 'becoming a lady.' I was annoyed, extremely sad, and overweight; I hated myself. It got to the point where I'd refuse to see pictures of myself, no matter what the occasion. As I got slowly older, I began experimenting with makeup and styles of dress, I listened to my mom's counsel, I found closure and a passion for makeup art. I found myself coming out of my depression day by day, creating a new self, brick by tiny brick.
Point being, if I can do it, so can you. I know not everybody will be able to empathize with my story, but what I'm saying is as simple as this: Try.
I don't believe in the word "can't" there is only "won't". You can, no matter what you're facing, if you believe you can, you will.


As always,
     God Bless.

2014

I should stop starting each of my posts with "I suck at blogging" it's just getting redundant, everyone knows I'm bad.

unapologetically I begin this year with a clean slate. I cut ties, I made new ones, I changed and I'll change more. I met people, I laughed with them, and cried with them, kissed them, cut them and said I was sorry. I loved, I wanted to be loved, and then I was loved. I met a boy, a sweet boy. A beautiful, smart boy. I'm dating this boy. I don't want to screw up, but life is a compilation of screw ups, it's messy and perfectly unperfect. But life is something I'm not ready to give up yet.
  I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, even when my problems have been petty. This year has been a huge year of growth for me, coming out of it I feel like I've become almost a completely new person. It's a good feeling.
I'm happier than I've ever been.

2014, I hope you're ready, because this time it's different.
This time it's going to be beautifully unbeautiful. And it's going to be perfect.


God Bless.

But what if...?

It's taken me about five tries to write this. Let's try again.




They said I could get cancer.
That's how it started.
Since then, I've only gotten worse. I've been spitting blood, my stomach hurts so bad I can't move. No one knows what's wrong, I can hardly continue with my dance lessons though I try. I can't sleep. I can't eat, either. I've gotten really pale. I've lost a lot of weight. It's hard to concentrate. They want to do surgeries, I want the pain to stop, so I guess we're on the same team then. I can't pity myself, other's have gone through a lot worse, but when you're walking through another valley of your life, it's hard to see the beach on the other side of the mountain, but my Shepard is really tall, He can see. And He says it's great. I know God know's where He's going.
Sometimes when I think I'm alone though.. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a very tall building with my toes over the edge. I know I could fall, but I just love the view. I'm afraid, but at the same time I'm not. I feel peaceful.
I feel like, even if I do get cancer, even if I do end up dying, I feel like it'll be okay.
I don't think I'm afraid anymore.

I've only told a few of my friends. I told Nancy, but I feel bad for making her worry.. she always pulls me away and asks if I'm okay. I feel really happy that she cares so much, but at the same time I know that if something happens, she'll be really sad.
I'm really sorry about that, I never wanted her to be sad.


God bless you.
No really, God Bless you.

SUMMER STUFF

Okay I have a good excuse this time for not blogging I promise.

So as you've probably noticed, it's summer! Yay. Sort of. Summer in Arizona kinda sucks, because it's terribly hot, but in the evening the sunsets are always beautiful, and it cools down. So it's kinda a neat little "night life" we have going on here, only because it's too hot to do anything in the afternoon.

Wearing shorts and flip-flops, walking along the still-warm sidewalk with your best friend, just chatting and watching the sun set, trying to count the stars while we lie on our backs, then walking home with the moon, tied to our sides like a brilliant white balloon ... That will always be one of my favorite summer memories. Surreal, in a way, but majestic. That's how I describe the evenings in Arizona. When the monsoon comes, it gets intensely more beautiful. The rain will wash the dust out of the air, and the next day will be all muggy and nasty, but when the Phoenicians (which is the term used instead of "Arizonians") come out as the sun lays its self down to rest, the city will glow with excitement, shimmering with life. I remember going to my grandmother's house, up in the higher part of the state, where it isn't so hot, where there is less people, but a tighter community. My grandmother's house is a huge 7 acre lot, with trees and pastures and gardens that she maintains herself, even though she's 84. She has a huge hill that I used to climb up at night, and watch the shining lights of Phoenix below, thinking about my parents and what they might be doing. I would stay at her house for weeks at a time during my father's cancer and other illnesses. Not only did it teach me of the value of my own self, but it taught me what it was to care for others, and to care for myself. It taught me what real strength meant. That real strength was getting down on your knees and crying in front of the people who's opinion of you you value most, then looking them in the eye, getting up on your feet, taking their hand, and moving a step forward slowly.
Grandma always smiled and said "the Lord will provide." And to this day, I hold that closest to my heart. Those experiences are my foundation. Everything that upholds who I am today can be found in what God did for me when I was at my most frightened. If anyone asks me where my loyalties lie, they wont have to look far. I only serve God. I realize I'm only 15, I've got a long way to go on this narrow road, and I know I'm not wise, I know I'll make mistakes, but I also know that when I do, God will always be there with an outstretched hand.
So yeah. That was revealing. I've tried hiding how I really felt all the time, and I came to realize that it just severely messes you up. So it comes to a personal decision about being honest to yourself,  being honest to God, and being honest to people you love. Nobody likes a liar.

Arizona summers have always been the time for me to mature. And I feel as if I've taken another wonderful step into becoming the person God has in mind for me to be. I'm talking about dance lessons. I know it doesn't sound like a huge deal, but it means mountains to me. I don't think I've smiled so big in a while. Dancing makes me feel graceful, even though I know I'm not. I know I'm not any good at it, but when you're as bad as I am, the only thing you can do is improve! I know God is going to teach me something, I just have to wait and see. I know confidence is one of them, and that's been a really hard one for me, I just DON'T have any. But this helps, I can see it already. It's like climbing a completely vertical cliff, the top seems so far away, but you push yourself and you climb because you know if you give up, you'll fall.

That's my blog for today, TADA! Talk to ya later ;)

GOD BLESS